Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
