i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
