I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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