Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
