You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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