First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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