so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
