i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
