And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
