that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
