May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
