I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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