Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
