Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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