It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I feel great
I just peed on a car
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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