Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
