i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
