I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize