i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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