I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
