i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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