oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
