I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
