Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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