Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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