i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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