you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
