checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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