So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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