I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Randomize
