I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
