my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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