You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
