1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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