Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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