Your dad touched me again.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
