I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
