I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
