Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
