I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize