i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
