her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
