Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
