Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
