3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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