hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
