Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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