Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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