I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
