if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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