im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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