I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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