2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
