you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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