your parents love me but you hate me
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
