We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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