Need sex. Gaining weight.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
