Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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