We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize